In asset-based community development work, nonprofits are trained to focus on what their people must give to the community. Often, churches think of their volunteers, buildings and tithes as points of giving; but for Pastor Sandy Guffin of Linwood Wesleyan Church in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, one of her greatest resources to share is not on most church stewardship plans. In fact, it was something she didn’t ask for or want but has nevertheless used to bless hundreds of neighbors: her pain.
On March 15, 2015, Pastor Sandy received a call at 11:20 p.m. notifying her that her son, Matthew Fox (an active-duty sailor in the Navy, stationed in San Diego), had committed suicide.
“I was a single mom almost my son’s whole life; it was him and I in the battle — and so a lot of my life changed that night,” recalled Pastor Sandy. “It tore apart a lot of things I knew.”
The funeral couldn’t take place until 11 days after Matthew’s death; and those days felt tortuous — not only to Pastor Sandy, but also to her husband, Curt, and Matthew’s two-year-old sister, Ciyah.
When the Navy flew the family out to the military memorial service, Pastor Sandy was overwhelmed by the outpouring of affection and grief she saw from the many fellow sailors who considered Matthew a friend: “It was a huge space, and it was standing room only,” she recalled. “I remember standing on the ship and there was a gentleman that was bigger than life, just a huge guy — tall and strong — and he was sobbing hysterically, because in the military this happens way too often.”
Pastor Sandy returned home to two jobs caring for others: a full-time role as a Ronald McDonald house director, working with over 1,300 families annually whose children were ill, and a part-time role as a Presbyterian church children’s ministry leader (which she performed in addition to attending and serving at Ransom Church in Sioux Falls).
Both of her work communities embraced her amid her pain — offering presence, questions and shared tears. “I was working with families walking through their own pain and loss, but they just embraced me,” Pastor Sandy said. “Walking alongside someone who is grieving does not require you to have all the right words … Just show up! One of the most powerful moments that I felt loved and supported on my grief journey happened the morning after Matt died. Val Putnam, Westminster Presbyterian’s pastor, called and came to my home first thing in the morning. She sat on the couch with me in silence, held my hand and cried with me. I will always remember that experience and do my best to approach those who are grieving with that same love, empathy and care I received from her in that moment.”
As Pastor Sandy continued to journey through her own pain, she began noticing how powerful accompaniment — just the simple ministry of curiosity, presence and sharing the load — could be as others around her showed up with questions, meals or other means of help. This ministry of accompaniment brought hope amid her grief and loss.
Then in 2017, a Ransom Church pastor asked if Pastor Sandy might be open to leading a GriefShare group. As she considered it, she began sensing that this was a doorway through which she would be called to devote her life to serving the church.
“Step-by-step, I started watching as God was unfolding a calling on my heart,” said Pastor Sandy. “End of 2017, early 2018, the Lord would just not let me go to sleep — it was very clear on my heart that I was supposed to start taking classes. So, I got up and was searching the internet through the night, ended up on the clergy website, and tried to lay back down, and would wake up again … and [eventually] I started Cross-Training at OKWU [Oklahoma Wesleyan University] to pursue credentialing.”
At first, that training helped her approach her work with Ronald McDonald House from a more formative perspective; but over time, it became clear that the gravitational center of her ministry was moving from the marketplace into the local church. Over the years, God has used Pastor Sandy’s pain as a point of empathy toward neighbors in pain.
When Pastor Sandy was hired as Linwood’s children’s pastor, she knew these ministries would continue to be important parts of her vocation; and they have been. Over the past few years, Pastor Sandy has led a growing single-parenting support group and GriefShare groups that (because of their hybrid setup) reach beyond South Dakota to include people from Minnesota, Canada, London, England, and other places.
As Pastor Sandy considered the lessons she’s absorbed from the pain of unexpected loss, she shared the following three important takeaways:
Don’t do it alone. One of the most common temptations in grief (especially grief that results from traumatic loss) is for people to pretend they don’t have needs, or to allow uncertainty about how to approach community to prevent them from approaching at all. The Lord has designed us for community and relationship with him and others. He does not leave us, no matter how alone we feel.
It won’t always feel the way it does right now. “Some days it’ll feel worse; other days it’ll feel better — nine years later, there are still days loss knocks my feet out from under me,” Pastor Sandy reflected. “But just because it feels this way today doesn’t mean that it will always feel this way. Things get different over time, and most of us just need to hang on and know that these feelings aren’t permanent.”
Ministry is your story. “Ninety percent of my ministry is my testimony of all that the Lord has brought me through.” shared Pastor Sandy. In her work with single families, grieving families and families in every other season, Pastor Sandy’s practice at thoughtful accompaniment allows her to draw near to others in formative empathy, mindful of how precious life is and how even circumstances that feel like death can lead to new life.
If you’re interested in joining a grief group with Pastor Sandy or starting a grief ministry, email sandy@linwoodchurch.org. For more stories of Holding onto Hope, visit wesleyan.org/news.
Rev. Ethan Linder is the pastor of discipleship at College Wesleyan Church in Marion, Indiana, and contributing editor at The Wesleyan Church’s Education and Clergy Development Division.
