In his book People Fuel: Fill Your Tank for Life, Love, and Leadership, Dr. John Townsend identifies 22 nutrients that enrich relationships. When these nutrients are present in our relationships, then we can be more open to others, more creative, and more compassionate. Our Christlikeness can shine forth like a light on a hill.
In this Thrive in 5, you will learn about four of the nutrients that invite you to BE PRESENT to others. Presence says, “You are not alone. I am with you.”
- Acceptance. Townsend defines acceptance as “Connection without judgement.” Acceptance is about connecting with your family, friends, committee members, or ministry staff in such a way that you convey “I am with you, and I am for you. Even if you fail, you are still okay with me. When you convey acceptance to another person, your acceptance helps them to feel calmer, more confident and more capable to face challenging tasks. Just as Jesus accepted us, we are called to accept one another (Rom. 15:7). Acceptance doesn’t mean that you don’t recognize and name negative behaviors or attitudes. You can name this reality and still convey acceptance. Acceptance is the soil in which safe and secure relationships grow. How can you show acceptance to those on your ministry team and in your family? Who needs to hear you say “I am with you and I am for you?”
- Attunement. Townsend notes that attunement is more than active listening and empathy. Attunement means that you are ‘in tune” with the other person’s feelings and you stay attuned to them as their feelings change over the course of your conversation. Like acceptance, attunement says “I am with you.” It adds: “You are not alone in what you are going through.” Attunement requires you to become aware of the other person’s emotional state and respond to their emotional state with empathy. One of the qualities of Jesus that makes him so “attractive” to many believers is his attunement to our spiritual and emotional needs. We experience Jesus’ acceptance and attunement as God’s grace in our lives. Staying attuned to someone is especially challenging for those of us whose first response to another’s distress is to offer advice and guidance. Attune first, then ask if the person wants any additional input. How well do you attune to others when they are sharing a difficulty or ministry challenge with you? If you tend to offer advice first, can you try naming their feelings and noting their struggle first and then ask if they need help solving their dilemma?
- Validation. Townsend states that “when we validate someone, we convey that their experience is significant and not to be minimized or dismissed” (p. 91). It is especially important to validate another person’s perspective when you do not agree with them. Validation communicates that “you are important to me and your perspective is important to me, even if I disagree with it.” You can validate another person’s opinion, emotions, and experience. How do you feel when your experience is validated? How often do you respond to others with validation? What happens in your relationships when you validate others?
- Identification. When you identify with another person, you share a similar experience – often a negative one. If you share your story with them, you communicate “you are not alone. I have experienced this too.” Jesus identifies with our struggles and weaknesses (Heb. 4:15). Our commitment and loyalty to Jesus deepens because we know he “gets us” because like us he has “been there.” Good identification is brief, not wordy. You want to say “I have been in your shoes” without turning the spotlight on you and your experience. Have you had an opportunity to use identification in a conversation with someone or has someone identified with you and a struggle you were experiencing? How did the act of identification affect your relationship?
- Containment. According to Townsend, containment is the “act of allowing another to vent the negatives they are feeling” without you being swept up in their negativity and adding to it. You hear their frustrations without becoming reacting. We often use the word “venting” to describe containment. When someone “contains” your raw emotions, you have let off steam [e.g., a pressure cooker] and can subsequently make better decisions. Containment also helps you to regulate your own emotional intensity. When you realize that your wellspring of negative emotions has not overwhelmed your listener, you get the sense that you can handle and regulate your own emotions too. God’s containment of our negative emotions is demonstrated in many of the Psalms [e.g., Ps 35, 73, 74]. The Psalmist trusts and believes in God’s capacity to handle his raw emotions and intense distress. The result? The Psalmist sees God as the faithful and trustworthy One to whom he turns in times of trouble. Jesus modeled something similar in Mark 4. During the violent sea storm, the disciples turned to Jesus and said “do you not care that we are drowning?” Jesus does not instantly chide them. No, he calms the external storm first. Only then, were the disciples ready to examine depth of their faith in Jesus. To whom do you turn when your negative emotions threaten to overwhelm you? Who serves as your container?
Resources:
John Townsend, People Fuel: Fill Your Tank for Life, Love, and Leadership, Zondervan, 2019
Henry Cloud, Changes that Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You. Zondervan, 2018
John Townsend interview on Fill Your Take for Life. https://youtu.be/s_KdGMBeTSs?si=j60T5UihZKgmiaRk
Podcast: How to connect with people to fuel your life https://youtu.be/5lnU7HpPRcM?si=dh6XfuEkHr-4QSJU
List of feeling words: https://www.hoffmaninstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/Practices-FeelingsSensations.pdf
Relational contributor: Virginia T. Holeman, PhD., LMFT, LPCC, Retired Chair of the Department of Counseling and Pastoral Care, Asbury Theological Seminary
Executive editor: Johanna Chacon Rugh
Curator of content: Carla Working
